Life Worth Living
I am a survivor of suicide. Meaning.. someone in my family killed themself – many years ago, but it isn’t something that fades over time. You find ways to not think about it as much, but that’s about it. It is a horrible event for those left behind, plain and simple.
I don’t find jokes about suicide entertaining. I don’t have tolerance for people that use the threat of it for attention. I don’t have sympathy for people that act like a premature death is a solution for their problems. I’ve heard/seen the myriad of statements that one could imagine, from not wanting to live another 50 years “like this”, to the thinking “I don’t have anything to live for”, and frankly none of it impresses me. I have battled depression enough times in my life to know whereof I speak, and the key operative word there is “battled” – which is not lying down and letting it run over you several times. I also know overwhelming fatigue very, very well, and I live with it continuously myself. My illness doesn’t give me breaks either. It is what it is.
Is my life worth living? Why wouldn’t it be? One of the most pathetic arguements I’ve heard has been about how we are immortal beings, so why be afraid of moving on from here. My intent to embrace the life I have been given on this planet has nothing to do with “fear” of a permanent change of mortal address. I was placed here for a reason, so why should I be in a hurry to throw that gift away? Nobody likes to talk about this, because they’re either afraid of thinking about dying, or they’re afraid of offending someone else that is facing it, or considering it. Well, I’m not stupidly PC. I’m saying what I think about this. Someone has to sometime. Suicide is not powerful. It’s cowardly.
I do know “intolerable” pain. I know what it’s like to have pain so bad I cannot even stand up, and it doesn’t stop even if I don’t try. I’ve lived with that for intractable weeks, even months on end on multiple occasions. And? Life happens. Pain happens. So does a whole hell of a lot more. The truth is that you choose your focus. Deciding what you can’t do every morning is the same as deciding what you can do. If it’s more important to you that your focus is on the negative, then that will be your entire world. It is however a CHOICE – no denying that. Go ahead and insult the mind you were given. I have science on my side, as well as spiritual truths. That brain is more amazing than any computer man can build, and the intangible essence of who we are that is driving it is beyond belief. I choose to live THERE, not in my pain.
Excuses, excuses, that’s what I’m saying. The people that I know that whine the most quite visibly do not want help. When it is offered, they dodge and hem and haw, and duck out of the conversation. If you don’t want solutions, and a way to live your life with some dignity and respect, then don’t put your problems out there in the first place. The only reason to actually communicate with others is to connect with them. If you have a desire to connect, then you should have a desire to rise above. Begging for “poor you” responses, without an effort to recover… it’s unattractive at best.
I see people every single day with greater challenges than my own, and I allow them to inspire me. I am inspired by youthful energy, and by wisdom earned in years and experiences. I am encouraged by knowing people that have visited the brink and returned. In my worse moments, I remember that it is temporary and another good day will come. I look at all I have done, all that others have done, and I continue to breathe. It isn’t that difficult. Where is your focus? What do you value? Where do you invest yourself today?
Posted on March 18, 2013, in General Blather, I Am That Wolf and tagged Autoimmune, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Lupus, Lupus Awareness, SLE, Suicide, Systemic Lupus. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.